Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
