I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So vagazzling was a success
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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