Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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