halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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