If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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