It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
