My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
