I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
