captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
