Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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