I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
