He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
