hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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