He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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