There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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