Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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