he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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