sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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