I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
