Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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