I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
