sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
