is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize