no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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