Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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