Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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