You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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