My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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