I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
