someone threw a dead crab at me
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
