i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
