she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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