New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
