I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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