Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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