I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it's like iHOP with fire
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
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