i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My ATM looks so different sober.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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