Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
