omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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