Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
