Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
