look no pants
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
