I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize