I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
