just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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