so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
