you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
