please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
