It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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