I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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