i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
