Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
