I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My cat gives me a boner
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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