i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
