He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
