My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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