It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
