I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
