That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
