I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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