my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
