it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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